When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
