the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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