i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
