How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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