Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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