Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
tell me about the eggs
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
