I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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