This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
