Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize