youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
