Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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