i just wanna soil my oats bro
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
