theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
