After last night, I could never be a politician.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
