that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
