Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
