Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
