When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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