hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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