M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
