and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
