Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
