Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
