I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
