i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
