I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
