I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
