Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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