how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
