textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
