Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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