yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
