when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
