God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
