hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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