my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The struggles of a small town man whore
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
