How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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