Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
