new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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