I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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