Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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