Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
