Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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