My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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