I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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