that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
