a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
