Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
