You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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