Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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