I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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