Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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