all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize