Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
