dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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