In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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