Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
