lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Let's get the cat blown out
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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