sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
