Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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