um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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