Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
