So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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