How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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