if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
