I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
