Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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