I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
