it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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